How Do I Know if I’m in an Abusive Relationship?
Created by: Michelle Luszczewski LCSW, LCADC on
I want to bring awareness to abusive relationships because your safety is of the utmost importance. People don’t often realize they’re in an abusive relationship until it’s too late. Many people think, “I’m not in an abusive relationship; that wouldn’t happen to me,” until they examine the facts of their situation. There are multiple types of abuse, which will be listed and explained below.
The abuser typically exhibits patterns of behavior that they use to obtain and maintain power and control over the person they are abusing. Most likely, if you’re experiencing one type of abuse, there is another form involved as well. By identifying the different types of abuse, you can make a more educated decision and have a better understanding of abusive relationships.
Abuse typically works in a way where the abused individual becomes fearful of what the abuser will do because of threats made. When the abused individual decides to leave, they often do not have the financial means to do so because they have not saved money. The abused individual often lives on an allowance and has not been allowed to work. Abusers also isolate the abused individual, which may make it difficult for them to find a safe place due to the loss of connections with family and friends.
I also want you to know that abuse IS NOT your fault. No one asks for abuse or to be abused. No one deserves to be abused. You are important. You matter. You can heal.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is the most identifiable type of abuse. The abuser uses violence or threats of violence to control and have power over the abused person.
Physical abuse can include:
- Hitting, punching, kicking, pulling hair, slapping, biting, choking, and other physically harmful behaviors
- Preventing the individual from eating or sleeping
- Use of weapons (e.g., firearms, knives, mace, bats, golf clubs, etc.)
- Physically restraining the individual
- Driving dangerously or recklessly with you or a child in the car
- Abandoning you without a way to get home
- Coercing you into using alcohol or substances
- Not allowing you to leave your home
- Not allowing you to take your prescription medications
- Hindering you from calling emergency medical services or the police
- Abuse of children or pets
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is when the abuser uses threats, belittling, isolation, and non-physical acts to isolate, control, manipulate, and terrorize the abused person.
Emotional abuse can include:
- Name-calling
- Belittling
- Humiliation
- Yelling and screaming
- Controlling what a person can do, wear, and where they go
- Isolating the abused from family and friends
- Making threats to die by suicide if the abused leaves
- Making threats to kill the abused, their loved ones, or pets
- Gaslighting (manipulative tactics used to make the abused person doubt themselves)
- Telling you that it’s your fault for the abuser’s behavior
- Being possessive, jealous, or distrustful
- Forcing you to install a tracking app on your phone
- Destroying your belongings
- Accusing you of cheating
- Cheating on you and blaming you for it
- Telling you that you’re lucky to be with the abuser and that you’ll never find someone better
- Suggesting an open relationship when you don’t want to have sex
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is when the abuser controls the relationship’s physical and sexual intimacy. When experiencing sexual abuse, it is typically forced and non-consensual.
Sexual abuse can include:
- Relentless comments about the abused person’s body or sexuality
- Non-consensual kissing or touching
- Threatening or coercing the abused person into non-consensual sexual acts
- Rape or attempted rape
- Forbidding the use of contraception, refusing to use it, or damaging it intentionally
- Physically harming the abused to try and force a miscarriage
- Intentionally infecting the person with a sexually transmitted disease
- Holding, restraining, or strangling you during sex without your consent
- Using weapons or objects to physically harm you during sex
- Coercing you to engage in sexual acts with other people against your will
- Dismissing your feelings about sex
- Forcing you to watch or create pornography
- Demanding you dress in a sexual manner you’re not comfortable with
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse occurs when the abuser uses finances to exert power and control over the victim.
Financial abuse can include:
- Not allowing you to have your name on bank accounts or access accounts
- Giving you an allowance, monitoring your spending, and demanding receipts
- Depositing your paychecks into an account you cannot access
- Preventing you from working, dictating your work hours, or getting you fired
- Maxing out credit cards without your consent, not paying bills, and harming your credit score
- Stealing money from you, family, friends, or children
- Withdrawing money from a child’s savings account without your consent
- Living in your home without contributing to financial or household needs
- Keeping your tax return money or forcing you to give it to the abuser
- Neglecting or refusing to pay for essentials like food, clothing, medical care, etc.
Digital Abuse
Digital abuse is used to maintain power and control over the abused individual through digital means.
Digital abuse can include:
- Managing who you can and cannot follow on social media
- Tracking your activities through social media
- Belittling or humiliating you on social media by posting unflattering photos or videos
- Demanding you send sexual photos or sexts
- Forcing you to give them your social media or phone passwords
- Sending manipulative texts to instill fear if you don’t respond
- Going through your phone to monitor your call history, texts, pictures, etc.
- Creating fake accounts in your name to track or control your interactions
Sexual Coercion
Sexual coercion occurs when the abuser pressures you into sexual acts against your will.
Sexual coercion can include:
- Making statements like, “You owe me sex because I bought dinner” or gave you a gift
- Encouraging you to use alcohol or substances to lower your inhibitions
- Threatening to cheat or leave if you don’t engage in sexual acts to prove your love
- Demanding sexual acts and expressing anger, sadness, or resentment if you don’t comply
- Continued pressure when you say no, with threats of consequences if you don’t comply
Reproductive Coercion
Reproductive coercion involves controlling your reproductive choices.
Reproductive coercion can include:
- Refusing to use contraception or damaging it
- Lying about taking oral birth control or having a vasectomy
- Removing or damaging birth control methods
- Refusing to support your reproductive choices, including when to have children
- Forcing you to get an abortion or preventing you from having one
- Pressuring you to become pregnant against your wishes
Stalking
Stalking involves unwanted attention that causes fear or distress.
Stalking can include:
- Showing up at your work, school, or home without invitation
- Sending unwanted texts, emails, phone calls, or social media messages
- Dropping off unwanted gifts
- Starting rumors about you
- Creating fake accounts to track or manipulate you
- Damaging your property or hiring a private investigator to follow you
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is when the abuser manipulates or controls your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Spiritual abuse can include:
- Insulting, mocking, or shaming your religion or beliefs
- Forcing you to abandon your faith or practice a different one
- Using religion to justify or minimize other forms of abuse
If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, help is available. Below is a small list of resources in Nevada and Illinois. I do not have relationships with the listed resources and cannot guarantee the availability or quality of assistance. Please do your own research on help in your area. These resources are a place to start.
Resources
Illinois:
https://www.metrofamily.org/fssofmfsd/
Nevada:
Information compiled from Therapist Aid and the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse.
Ready to start your journey to healing? Schedule an appointment with Michelle by calling (702) 527-8362 or by emailing evokeinsighttherapy@gmail.com