Ugh, Grief.
Created by: Michelle Luszczewski LCSW, LCADC on
Losing a person, a pet, a job, or a physical function we used to have (e.g., walking, driving, or playing a sport) are all things we grieve; yet, talking about grief is often considered taboo. We have all lost something or someone that we loved, valued, and cherished, so why don’t we talk about grief?
People are uncomfortable talking about grief because they don’t know what to say. They are also uncomfortable because they can’t fix it, and many people like to fix problems. However, there is no solution to grief other than to feel it and move through it. Grief is not a problem to be solved. Grief never truly goes away and will often hit you like a wave from the ocean at an unexpected time doing the most mundane life activities. This is your permission slip to feel sad, to cry, to take a day to yourself when the grief becomes overwhelming.
People usually have good intentions when speaking to someone who has experienced a loss, but often their comments do not land well. For example, consider the following statements:
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “In time, it won’t be so bad.”
- “At least you don’t have to drive an hour to get to work anymore”.
- “At least you can still (insert reference to trying to make you feel better about a physical loss).”
- “I know exactly how you feel. I lost my (insert here- parent, sibling, spouse, child, etc.) too. So I know how it feels and what you’re going through”.
The problems with these statements are that, although someone may be saying them with good intentions, the grieving person might hear or think something entirely different. For example:
- “They’re in a better place” might be heard as, “They are no longer here with me.”
- “In time, it won’t be so bad” might be heard as, “How could this ever not be so bad? My (insert loved one) is never coming back.”
- “I didn’t care about driving an hour because I really liked my job.”
- “I’d like to continue with all of my physical abilities, but thanks for thinking these could be a tradeoff.”
- “No, you have no idea how this feels because our relationships with our loved one are unique and my grief is unique to my relationship with my loved one.”
When we’re experiencing grief, we’re not looking for someone to fix the problem because you can’t bring back the person or thing that is lost. I’m okay hearing you say:
- “It really sucks that we lost your loved one, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
- “I’m here if you want to talk in a judgment-free and loving space.”
- “I know how much you loved your job, and it sucks that they let you go.”
- “I want you to know that you can talk to me whenever about your grief. I promise it is never a burden to listen because I care about you.”
- “Even though I lost my (insert here- parent, sibling, spouse, child, etc.) and have experienced grief I know that our losses and responses are different just as our relationships with our loved one were different. If you ever want me to share any of my coping strategies with you let me know. I don’t want to assume or overwhelm you by just sharing when that may not be what you want or need”.
- “Is there something we can do to celebrate your loved one?”
- “I’m coming over with dinner later. Does Mexican food sound good to you? I’ll get your usual.”
Someone who is grieving is looking for support and love. One of the hardest parts of grief is that, after the first week, people seem to think that because they acknowledged it once, you are okay now, and your grief has disappeared. Continue to check on your loved ones when they are experiencing grief. For some losses, grief never goes away. We just learn to grow around it.
Feeling ready to start your grief healing journey? Schedule an appointment with Michelle by calling (702) 527-8362 or by emailing evokeinsighttherapy@gmail.com